I’ve recently moved to an offshore island. My relationships are really important to me. How can I lovingly maintain them? I’ve done some reading on the subject, and formulated the following game-plan …
In an ideal scenario:
1. I return my friends’ calls – because in a study of 8 million phonecalls, this was the leading cause of a lasting relationship.) [1]
2. I have contact with my friends at least once every 15 days. (Research says this is the golden numba to keep a pal.)[2]
3. I remember big life events, e.g. birthdays.[3]
4. I attend milestone events, even if it’s challenging – I drive out of my way to visit their new home, I make an effort to see my friend before the new baby arrives, I book that flight to attend their wedding.[4]
5. If a pal with a young kid rings me, I make a special effort to take their call there-and-then (they have fuller schedules, & a higher need!).
I have the following strategies for getting more ‘friend-time’:
6. I identify a habit, and if possible, associate a communication with it – e.g. for the last fortnight, I’ve done my daily run and rang my Dad afterwards. Today I ‘ran, then rang’ automatically. Less conscious effort + more communication = good!
7. I combine a task / activity with friend-time: e.g. I call Sarah on a walk; chatted to my my uncle Maurice while cooking; I’m attending an online history course with Claire.
8. I think outside the phonebox. I really enjoy emails, postcards, & letters; if I don’t have time for that today, voicemails & video messages are a nice runner-up.
9. I haven’t tried it yet, but I dream of making regular dates with friends: e.g. every second Monday at 11am I call Valerie? If possible within the two schedules, I suspect this strategy could be really effective.[5]
But inevitably there are certain days or weeks / a period where I am less available.
How to minimise the impact of this? Well, I can give my peeps a ‘heads-up’ to so that they don’t feel unimportant or abandoned.[6] I can include the following:
a) how long I expect to be off the radar (“I’m pedal-to-the-metal writing a grant for the next few days…” )
b) what’s the best way to reach me during this time (“So I’m really sorry, I haven’t even got the time to pee, not-a-mind listen to a voicemail; wil ya send me a text?!”), and
c) when my schedule is expected to go back to normal (But the deadline is due on Tuesday at 5pm. Gimme Wed to sleep and I’ll ring ya Thu! 🙂 )[7] and …
d) and I then make a conscious effort to connect with my friend, after I emerge from the work-vortex. [8]
I try to never say “I’m too busy”. The receiver doesn’t know if that’s my temporary reality, or if I am trying to brush them off. Instead, I
a) qualify the busyness: “I’m busy for the next 10 days,” or “I’m tied up until the end of the school year.” and then
b) make a counter offer. If I can’t meet face-to-face in the near future, I suggest a phone call, video call, or another way to connect so the pal doesn’t feel abandoned.[9]
And if I have the headspace, I try to send short, but thoughtful, texts. I try to …
– make the text as personal as possible to show the cara I’m thinking about them, e.g. remember small things like the presentation that I know they have coming up, and check in with them to see how it went
– ask questions that invite reveals (“How was the holliers? How did the gig go?? How’s the new job?”)
– give information about my day that my friend couldn’t glean from mutual acquaintances / the online world
– avoid statements (“I hope you’re having a great day!” or “You’re in my thoughts”), as they don’t prompt meaningful back-and-forth exchanges. (But if desperate, I think a one-liner statement like ‘you popped into my head today – hope you’re doin’ OK!!’ is better than nothing.)
Remember that regular date idea I aspire to but have not yet succeeded in setting up? Current opinion is that a regular friend date as rare as once a year – e.g. an annual festival / Christmas party – is more powerful than one might think, and, once again, better than nada.[10] This concurs with my experience; I have a good pal living abroad whom I only meet once a year (at a music festival), but that one meeting suffices to keep us so connected that I feel I can pick up the phone and ring him anytime.
And it’s important to keep dear friendships, coz they make life worth living[13].
Apparently, as we grow older, it’s rare that we make new friends[14]. So let’s hang on to the ones we got!
[1] Zyga, L., 2020. Physicists Investigate ‘Best Friends Forever’. [online] Phys.org. Available at: <https://phys.org/news/2008-04-physicists-friends.html> [Accessed 27 October 2020]
[2] Zyga, L., 2020. Physicists Investigate ‘Best Friends Forever’. [online] Phys.org. Available at: <https://phys.org/news/2008-04-physicists-friends.html> [Accessed 27 October 2020]
[3] Miriam Kirmayer quoted in Goldfarb, A., 2020. How To Maintain Friendships (Published 2018). [online] Nytimes.com. Available at: <https://www.nytimes.com/2018/01/18/smarter-living/how-to-maintain-friends.html> [Accessed 27 October 2020]
[4] Carlin Flora, quoted in Goldfarb, A., 2020. How To Maintain Friendships (Published 2018). [online] Nytimes.com. Available at: <https://www.nytimes.com/2018/01/18/smarter-living/how-to-maintain-friends.html> [Accessed 27 October 2020]
[5] Carlin Flora, quoted in Goldfarb, A., 2020. How To Maintain Friendships (Published 2018). [online] Nytimes.com. Available at: <https://www.nytimes.com/2018/01/18/smarter-living/how-to-maintain-friends.html> [Accessed 27 October 2020]
[6] Miriam Kirmayer quoted in Goldfarb, A., 2020. How To Maintain Friendships (Published 2018). [online] Nytimes.com. Available at: <https://www.nytimes.com/2018/01/18/smarter-living/how-to-maintain-friends.html> [Accessed 27 October 2020]
[7] Miriam Kirmayer quoted in Goldfarb, A., 2020. How To Maintain Friendships (Published 2018). [online] Nytimes.com. Available at: <https://www.nytimes.com/2018/01/18/smarter-living/how-to-maintain-friends.html> [Accessed 27 October 2020]
[8] my addition to Miriam Kirmayer’s recommendations quoted in Goldfarb, A., 2020. How To Maintain Friendships (Published 2018). [online] Nytimes.com. Available at: <https://www.nytimes.com/2018/01/18/smarter-living/how-to-maintain-friends.html> [Accessed 27 October 2020]
[9] Shasta Nelson quoted in Goldfarb, A., 2020. How To Maintain Friendships (Published 2018). [online] Nytimes.com. Available at: <https://www.nytimes.com/2018/01/18/smarter-living/how-to-maintain-friends.html> [Accessed 27 October 2020]
[10] Carlin Flora, quoted in Goldfarb, A., 2020. How To Maintain Friendships (Published 2018). [online] Nytimes.com. Available at: <https://www.nytimes.com/2018/01/18/smarter-living/how-to-maintain-friends.html> [Accessed 27 October 2020]
[11] Miriam Kirmayer quoted in Goldfarb, A., 2020. How To Maintain Friendships (Published 2018). [online] Nytimes.com. Available at: <https://www.nytimes.com/2018/01/18/smarter-living/how-to-maintain-friends.html> [Accessed 27 October 2020]
[12] Miriam Kirmayer quoted in Goldfarb, A., 2020. How To Maintain Friendships (Published 2018). [online] Nytimes.com. Available at: <https://www.nytimes.com/2018/01/18/smarter-living/how-to-maintain-friends.html> [Accessed 27 October 2020]
[13] Barker, E., 2020. This Is What Your Relationships Are Worth In Dollars: – Barking Up The Wrong Tree. [online] Barking Up The Wrong Tree. Available at: <https://www.bakadesuyo.com/2012/01/what-are-your-relationships-worth-in-dollars/> [Accessed 27 October 2020]
[14] Gordon, S., 2020. 5 Easy Ways To Be A Good Friend Right Now. [online] Woman’s Day. Available at: <https://www.womansday.com/relationships/family-friends/a31981452/how-to-be-a-good-friend/> [Accessed 27 October 2020]